Despite the Child Safety Protection Act passed in 1994, hazardous toys – particularly those designed to prevent masturbation – can still be found on toy store shelves across the country. Every year, thousands of children are treated at hospital emergency rooms for injuries resulting from Victorian era masturbation devices. As a service for concerned parents who may be confused about which products present the greatest risks to their kids, here’s a list of the most dangerous masturbation-deterrents being marketed to children this holiday season.

              DR. MOODIE APPARATUS FOR BOYS

This penile tube, equipped with a plunger device that restricts genital movement, can be easily detached, posing a choking hazard to unsupervised children. Tube also contains a tiny hole, intended for urination, that may trap a small finger and result in hand injury.

 

                                                                       SPIKE-LINED RING

While effective in preventing nocturnal emissions and other displays of nighttime sexuality, the sharp-edged, metallic points can cause face or hand injuries if not operated under close adult guidance. May also result in severe corneal abrasion if used as a projectile at high velocity.

 

             SPERMATIC TRUSS

Genital pouch is constructed from a metallic substance shown to contain high lead levels. Young children could ingest lead from the paint coating and become infected with lead poisoning. Detachable suspenders also present potential for strangulation and entanglement to children under 3 years of age.

 

THE CAGE

Locking mechanical penis sheath, impossible to remove without adult assistance, has insufficient ventilation holes and could suffocate a child if improperly placed over nose or mouth. Item is also accompanied by a small key, which may pose a choking hazard to infants.

 

                                THE TIMELY WARNING

The battery-powered electric motor, which forces cooling air onto stimulated genitals, has been reported to frequently jam and overheat, posing a fire hazard. Direct impact with fan propeller could scratch eyelid or cornea, and weak pump handle has been reported to break easily, posing a risk of hand lacerations.

 

                               PENIS AND TESTICLE CAGE

The galvanic belt is composed of zinc and copper plates that generates an electric current if the wearer becomes aroused. Although the cage is insulated to prevent burning of the flesh, some children may experience a mild shocking sensation on the face or hands if not used as directed.

(This story originally appeared, in a slightly different form, in Monkeybicycle